You don’t watch Bachelor in Paradise online thinking you’re going to watch a true love story unfold. Although it would be a nice bonus.
You’re watching to see the train wreck that unfolds week in and week out when a bunch of Bachelor and Bachelorette castoffs reunite.
That’s what keeps you coming back, along with epic falls from grace and tales of redemption, like ABC naming Nick Viall The Bachelor.
Seriously, who would’ve predicted that a month ago?!?
But we digress a bit.
On Monday night, Bachelor in Paradise did not take an evening off for Labor Day.
Instead, it got viewers all worked up by posing the following questions:
Would Ashley Iaconetti lose her virginity? Did Vinny Ventiera and Izzy Goodkind actually get back together?
And, of course, who stayed overnight in the Fantasy Suits?!?
We’ll start with Izzy.
She got dissed and dismissed by Brett at the last second, who chose Lauren instead. But Izzy didn’t just sit around and wallow in a pool of tears; she ran back to Vinny!
“I made a mistake. I made a huge mistake,” Izzy said through tears. “I love Vinny, and I didn’t give us that chance to fall in love … I’m in it to Vin it!”
Yes, she really said this.
And then Vin really said THIS on the phone to Izzy:
“Uhh, obviously what happened, it really just f-cking blindsided me. You wanted to throw it all away to some guy with a f–king lamp. It was pretty shallow.
“When that happened, the feelings I had just f-cking went out the window. I just can’t be with somebody like that. For me, there’s really just no coming back from what happened.”
So that’s that.
(And that was also that for Brett and Lauren after the former dumped the latter at the Rose Ceremony.)
Last week, meanwhile, Wells Adams was stuck in a love square with Ashley, Shushanna Mkrtychyan and Jami Letain.
This week, that shape got broken apart.
First, sent Jami packing during the Rose Ceremony. Then, he was totally rejected by Shush.
“I don’t want this. I don’t fight for guys,” she told Wells. “Hearing that all the other girls are, like, hunting. I just feel like I’m in the wrong place right now.”
Hey, at least she finally arrived at this decision, right?
Perhaps next time, she ought to read the description of a reality show before she signs on for it.
Then there’s Ashley. She’s a virgin, you know.
However, she was all excited to change this status with Wells and his “Joe Jonas mouth.”
Did she want to “sit on his c–k?”
“Yeah!” she replied, adding:
“If Wells doesn’t f-ck me tonight, I’m going to the convent because I’m dying alone.”
Oh boy. How does one make reservations at a convent?
Because Wells did not f-ck Ashley last night.
He said it was against his character to have sex after just two dates and he couldn’t handle the pressure, so he broke Ashley’s heart.
This means the final couples in Paradise were:
Nick Viall and Jen Saviano, Amanda Stanton and Josh Murray, Carly Waddell and Evan Bass, and Lace Morris and Grant Kemp.
“It does make me nervous that the last time I expressed any feelings to anyone was in an environment like this, but you’re the only reason I’m still here,” Nick told Jen, later telling the camera:
“I need to figure out if Jen and I have a real shot outside of Paradise. It’s a huge commitment.”
(Editor’s Note: It doesn’t work out. Nick is the next Bachelor. This is so hilarious and ridiculous.)
Still, Nick and Jen did end up in the Fantasy Suite, prompting Jen to say:
“Hopefully [the fantasy suite]gives us the push we need. And that I’ll wake up tomorrow having a much better idea of what direction we’re going.”
(Need we repeat the above Editor’s Note?)
As for Lace and Grant? They got matching “Grace” tattoos on their wrists because “life hurts a lot more than tattoos,” she explained.
So were Lace’s words to Grant:
“You mean a lot to me, and I’m really happy, and it’s just crazy to think about how well we fit together. You have truly made me realize that you’re a man that’s hard to come by and I’m superlucky.
“You make me love myself and it’s because of you. And I want you to know I love you.”
But Evan and Carly would not be outdone in this department.
They attended a “sex canvas” painting session, led by a naked old lady with pendulous breasts, and then they had the following exchange:
Evan: “It’s more than just falling in love with you. I love you. So much.”
Carly: “I love you too. I’ve been wanting to say that to you for so long.”
Did they get it on in the Fantasy Suite? Let’s ask Carly:
“Tonight is the fantasy suite and you know when you love someone, you … how do I phrase that so my dad won’t have a heart attack?”
Yes, they did.
Finally, we get to Josh and Amanda.
The former said his mother is such a big part of his life that her having never met Amanda made him unsure if he could really commit.
But Amanda is all in. She’s totally down with being a “soccer mom.”
“If he doesn’t propose, I would be disappointed,” she confided to the camera.
We’ll find out what happens on tonight’s season finale!!!!!